To Blame or Not To Blame

Thursday, September 6, 2007

“A man can fall many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.” (John Burroughs)
“Fire her, she set me up!” John yelled quite loudly. He was incredibly angry and for good reason. However, he was really angry at the wrong person. What he was really saying was to himself, “Fire me, I set me up!” He was holding the wrong person accountable for his ethical choices.
Indeed John was set up. However, it was John’s choice to enter into the trap. She did not force him; she had no position of power to coerce him. All she did was to flirt with him and he, the manager, stepped over the boundary and entered into an unethical relationship. It wasn’t illegal and I will not judge its morality, but it was unethical because he was the manager and she was the employee.
John was not terminated for the offense. He was offered an equal position at another location with an appropriate repremand. He did not want another location. He wanted this one. He was very angry and very bitter. He could not understand why she did not get any consequences. The company was wrong and had hurt him. After all, she blinked her eyes and seduced him! John quit the company, exclaiming “I hate her for what she has done!” he exclaimed. “I hate her and I hope she gets hers!” With that, he slammed the door and was gone.
John chose to enter into an unethical relationship and received a negative consequence. Then he created the outcome of lost opportunities by refusing the consequence and using the opportunity as a learning experience to move him forward to making ethical choices. John’s decision to leave was neither ethical nor unethical. It was merely an outcome
Every one of us, sometime in life, will be faced with temptation. It is a given. For each of us the temptation is different depending on the area of our life that needs the greatest growth. For John, it was this employee, for me it was money to maintain the illusion of success, for someone else it is drugs, alcohol, or pornography. Take your pick, there are many lures.
You can’t wish the temptations away. An alternative to wishing is for you to know yourself and know your temptation well enough to recognize it when it raises its ugly head. Temptations present us the opportunity to strengthen our character, and create a foundation to stand on when making sometimes tough ethical decisions. Each time temptation presents itself and we choose the high road we affirm our ethical foundation.
There are times we will choose the temptation. That is human and reminds us of the need to stay on track. The failure comes in not recognizing that we chose to enter into the temptation and hence, we blame someone else.
One of the interesting things about blame is that it gives the object of our blame power over us. In fact, we not only empower the object, but also we de-empower ourselves. How willingly we choose that. Mary Auda, founder of Change Through Transformation, shared with me an example of that principle. “Victims of sexual abuse often continue the victimization by continuing to blame their perpetrators for today’s choices.” She says that, “the perpetrators chose to cross the boundaries, violate the child and take his/her power away from them and are responsible for their unethical and immoral choices.” The damage of the abuse is significant. However, transforming from victim to survivor requires accepting responsibility for their own choices today thus taking their power away from the perpetrator. By no means is this an easy task but by holding the perpetrators accountable for the past and accepting responsibility for the present, they are able to move on in their journey.
Blame has no purpose but to cripple us. John was crippled because he continued in blaming Jane, and today still carries the grudge. Since this has happened, he learned that the employee setting him up had an ulterior motive. Jane set a trap for John so he could be removed from the location as she had chosen to defraud the company and was engaged in her own unethical and illegal behavior. She studied her prey and knew his weakness and created the trap to serve her own purposes. Because he didn’t know his temptation or himself well, he willingly walked into the trap.
While he still held anger at the events of the past, he gained some satisfaction. The consequences of her clear unethical choices resulted in more catastrophic consequences than he had experienced. Her choices resulted in jail time away from her family. He left the company and created his own competing company and is doing well today.
Choices always lead to positive results or negative consequences. We are personally responsible and accountable for our choices regardless of what motivates them in the beginning. Jane said the company was at fault for her theft because they had no controls (check and balances) on the money coming through the door. John said Jane was at fault for his unethical behavior towards her because she flirted with him. When each of them holds themselves responsible and accountable for their unethical choices, then, and only then will they be able to move forward and create different opportunities and choices in their life.
Chuck Gallagher, an international keynote speaker speaks about choices, consequences, and personal accountability. While his audience is primarily business groups, Chuck created the Choices Foundation (a non-profit organization). Through this organization Chuck Gallagher travels to high schools and colleges teaching these principles from his personal experiences.
For information on the Choices Foundation (a non-profit organization) and the presentations on ethics given by Chuck Gallagher, contact Chuck at chuck@chuckgallagher.com or visit www.chuckgallagher.com.

What Goes Around Comes Around
A number of years ago, I received a call at work from my wife. She was very upset, excited and intense, “Guess what I just found out!?” It really wasn’t a question. I knew she would tell me with all the fervor she could muster, without me prodding for more. “You know Dr. Jones (not his real name) down the street?” I recalled that he was a successful physician. “Sara just told Edna, who called me, that he sexually molested Sara’s daughter the other day. Can you believe that?”
Needless to say, I was shocked. So was just about everyone else in the community. We couldn’t believe it. Why would a prominent, married, father risk everything to sexually abuse this girl? It was incomprehensible and sad for all concerned.
Over the weeks that followed, I thought the scuttlebutt would die down, but it kept on going like wildfire. People were indignant, even those who were not directly affected, and I was no different. Dr. Jones was tried in the court of public opinion before the legal system could take action. And yes, there were many opinions about what should happen. Most in the community were outspoken and I was one of the most outspoken.
Eventually, Dr. Jones entered into a plea agreement with the legal system and victim that would have him serving time in prison on work release. He lost his home, his medical practice, his reputation. He lost most everything he had worked for in his life. It seemed that only his family stood by him.
For the court of public opinion, though, that was not enough. The Medical Board was meeting to determine if he should lose his license. When the court of public opinion found out that he might be allowed to keep his medical license, they were outraged. Soon a letter writing campaign was orchestrated and I was asked to participate. With great pride, I composed an outstanding letter that no medical board could dismiss. I exclaimed to those who would listen, if I had committed an illegal act, I would lose my CPA license! Why should this man be any different? I was standing up for the most vulnerable in society and proud of it.
Little did I know that I was setting into motion the very response in my life that I was asking for in his life. His actions were none of my business. He, nor his family, had harmed me and in fact, he was the family doctor for some family members who would miss his kind care. Yet, then, my ego and pride were fed by others for becoming an active participant in his ultimate downfall.

What nobody knew, but me, was, at the time this event was occurring, I was involved in my own illegal and unethical scheme embezzling money from my clients. It never occurred to me, but focusing on the doctor’s crime was a way that I could deflect attention away from me. It was also a way that I could stay in self-denial about my own activity. I wasn’t that bad. What I didn’t know was, soon I would learn the lesson: “What goes around comes around.”
This lesson – similar to the lesson: You reap what you sow – is an inevitable law of the universe. Some laws are easy to observe, like the law of gravity. Others take time to understand, see or experience. In many ways, “What goes around comes around,” deals with ethics, ethical choices and the consequences that follow. Each ethical choice we make has an undisputed consequence – we just may not see it immediately.
Soon after the doctor incident, I was in another state conducting a training seminar when I received a call from one of my partners. It appeared that one of my clients called requesting a withdrawal from an investment I made on his behalf. The partner wanted to help me and assist with the process of helping the client access his money. The problem was there was no investment. Of course, he didn’t know that as he called to help. Reality was I had stolen the money on the pretense of a loan. There were no funds to repay it from. I was guilty – just like the good Doctor and while no one else knew it at that moment – I did.
The “coming around” part of “what goes around comes around,” was just beginning. Now, I would get a chance to experience what I helped the Doctor experience. If only I could have rewound the tape and taken back the unethical choices I made.
That night I lay on my bed in the hotel room wondering how to deal with the situation. I seriously considered suicide to save my family the same pain the doctor’s family had to go through. I was sick. There truly was no way out other than confessing. I recalled that night what I did to the doctor in my judgment of him. I offered no forgiveness and no hope to he and his family, and how I needed both for myself right now.
It was a long flight home. Upon arriving, I shared with my partners what I had done confessing every account I stole from. Their response of shock and dismay was not encouraging, in fact, one suggested I commit suicide. Little did he know that he was reading my mind from the night before. Then, I went home and told my wife what I had done. Confessing all was not easy. We called our minister and I shared my shame with him. By the end of the day, I felt about as low as a man can feel.
My final plight - Federal prison. For my theft, my family was disgraced, and I lost everything. The illusion of success was gone and there was no foundation beneath it to survive other than the true essence of who I was.
So what’s the point of this seemingly circular tale of woe?
The point is that I was no better than Dr. Jones. We each had parts of us that we didn’t want revealed. In fact, we’d both have preferred that they stay neatly tucked away in our closets…never to be revealed. We’d have both been satisfied to live out the illusion hoping that we could leave hidden those poor ethical choices we made. However, none of those hopes would prove to be possible.
The fact is, when we stand in judgment of another human being, we need to first make sure that our own lives are in order and then, and only then, judge for the purpose of bringing healing to the person involved. We get what we give. “What goes around comes around” and boy did it come around to me. I regret all that I did to cause greater harm to the doctor and his family. He created enough of that himself.
Of course, now, I have an understanding of what he went through. Many times I wish I could have some way to communicate to him, just to let him know of my regret. Perhaps, intending to apologize is sufficient on a Universal plane.
We don’t need to stand in judgment of other people aside from the court of law. There is truly nothing to be gained. In fact, when we stand in judgment of others, we may interfere with the natural flow of consequences. The offender, (in this case choose Dr. Jones or me) has personal, individual responsibility for his actions. We each put in motion, by our unethical actions, events that lead to the consequences we received. It was cause and effect. No man’s judgment of us could make it better or worse as we each reaped what we sowed from our unethical actions.
It was time for my crime to be shown to the world. Did my consequence imposed by the court system come as a result of what I put into motion with Dr. Jones? Many have been tried before me for the same crimes I committed without the same consequences. What was different for me? Perhaps, the difference was two-fold. First, I created the outcome by contributing to the demise of Dr. Jones. Secondly, the lesson I needed would require a time out in a prison setting.
Now, some twenty years later as I look back on past events, people often ask, “So, how do you feel about it now?” My response is, “One of the best things that happened to me!” I would not recommend it to others, but the learning experience was incredible and the opportunity to share with others and help them through their journey is awesome.
Today I am planting good seeds. Through accepting responsibility and living an ethical life, I have been given a second chance. I am blessed to serve as a Sales Executive in a Publicly Traded Company; teaching many people how to improve their lives through success in sales. Likewise, through my efforts in speaking, various groups allow me to share my direct ethics experiences of reaping and sowing - therefore, providing a framework for their personal growth.
We all will eventually reap what we sow - that is a spiritual truth. The question is will we enjoy the consequences of our choices? And believe me, there are always consequences to every ethical choice we make.
Chuck openly shares the ethical experiences of his life through his ethics keynote address: Success Beyond Illusion or Ethics: Negative Consequences - Positive Results. For information on how Chuck can speak to your organization and share his experiences visit Chuck Gallagher's presentations web page at www.chuckgallagher.com.

Gaining Through Adversity
“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity, an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” Sir Winston Churchill
Adversity is one of those words that when we hear it or it comes our way our inclination is to run and hide from it. It feels frightening and uncomfortable. Then there are those who choose adversity either as an outcome to wrong ethical or moral choices or as a means to an end.
Adversity can be a gift, full of hidden jewels or it can be a dreaded part of life that leaves us feeling depleted, depressed and discouraged. How we perceive, receive and respond to adversity depends on nature (our innate personality), nurture (our primary caretakers influence) and autonomous choice (adulthood).
Each of us are born with an essential nature. It is the soul, the spirit, the person we are to be in life. Some of us are born persistent, and curious and even as babies would laugh at about everything. Others of us are born shy and reserved and would cry at about everything. Regardless of how we interact with the world, we are born with a purpose and a journey to take. Our innate personality is our nature.
Then there is the nurture component. Nurture comes from our primary caretakers generally the parents but sometimes others. As we grow we observe how they respond to adversity. Close your eyes for a moment and think about your childhood and teen years. When adversity came, did your parents get angry or did they take it in stride? Did they blame the world or did they welcome it as an opportunity to learn? How did they respond to you when adversity came to your life? Did they hold you and promise never to allow you to hurt again, blame other people or the experience, or did they hold you, soothing your tears and encourage you to try again? Did they ignore your pain? Nurture is a very important component to our training in life. We initially receive the strength to move through adversity by the confidence our parents instill in us.
The third component developed when we became separate from our parents. It is the element of free choice. It is the time we use our knowledge and wisdom to accept what we were told, reject what we were told or redefine it in such a way that integrates what we accept what we reject.
If we were raised to fear adversity and choose to hold on to the fear, then we will fear adversity. By the same token, if we were raised to expect adversity, then we will have adversity. If we choose viewing adversity in this way, we choose to be held captive by it and experience a negative outcome. However, if we understand that adversity is just another part of life and accept adversity as a teacher, the outcome is very positive.
There are so many pearls in adversity if we choose to see beyond our pain, our fear and our disappointment. A friend had the misfortune of having her foot crushed through a very odd accident at work. Mary was unable to work and subsequently lost her job. She had the experience of being in a wheelchair and depending on other people. Being a very independent woman, she had little understanding of the experience of being physically handicapped. The pearl for Mary was that she learned compassion for those who were physically handicapped and those who were in chronic pain. Her adversity changed through the transformation of her perception. (www.changethroughtransformation.com).
A few seek adversity for the greater good. Mother Teresa is an example. After falling ill with tuberculosis and was sent away to heal, she received the call of God to work in the slums of Calcutta where she lived with the poorest of the poor, the rejects of society, the homeless. Adversity surrounded her not only from a sustenance point of view, but also initially from her superiors at the Catholic Church. She experienced adversity from the local religions where she established her home. She experienced adversity from choosing poverty as her calling.
She did not choose to overcome adversity. Instead, she integrated it and used it as energy to develop her ministry: "I choose the poverty of our poor people. But I am grateful to receive (the Nobel) in the name of the hungry, the naked, the homeless, of the crippled, of the blind, of the lepers, of all those people who feel unwanted, unloved, uncared-for throughout society, people that have become a burden to the society and are shunned by everyone." (Excerpt from the Nobel Peace Prize Acceptance Speech)
Then there are those who enter into adversity through the wrong choices in life resulting in negative consequences. I, as an international keynote speaker, fall into this category. I was caught up in the illusion of success. Through a series of actions resulting from unethical choices, I became a Federal Prisoner. Although a very painful and difficult , I was fortunate in that I did not allow himself to become a prisoner of adversity. Rather my time in Federal prison gave me time to evaluate my life, the choices that lead me to prison and develop a plan for the rest of my life moving forward. Now a Senior Executive in a publicly traded company and a motivational speaker, I have the fortune to share how adversity can have extraordinary outcomes if you choose to receive its gift.
Adversity does not go away. Gaining through adversity means that it becomes a part of life that refines and defines us. Recognizing that many people need to redefine the perception of adversity in their lives, my prison experience and ethics keynote presentations allow others to explore the experience of adversity and to explore how to receive the teachings of adversity through my experience.
I created the Choices Foundation (a non-profit organization). Through this organization I am fortunate enough to travel to high schools and colleges teaching ethics and growing through adversity from lessons learned through my personal experiences.
For information on the Choices Foundation (a non-profit organization) and the presentations on ethics and adversity given by Chuck Gallagher, contact Chuck at chuck@chuckgallagher.com or visit www.chuckgallagher.com.